Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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