New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
