in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
