im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
