its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize