i would punch a child for taco bell
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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