I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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