She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
