Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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