Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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