see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
