So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
