that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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