As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
