its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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