I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
