these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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