So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
