I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
