Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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