Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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