this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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