im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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