I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
