stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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