did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
