um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
