You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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