life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
