We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
