im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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