proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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