I will die if light touches me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize