I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
