Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
