Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I touched a dick in church today
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize