sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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