Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize