I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
These tits shall not be calmed
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
