I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i think i just lost a toe
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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