I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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