I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
