I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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