just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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