I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
