I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
