I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
