Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
