I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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