Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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