i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
