the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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