I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
