I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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