from now on my penis is your penis
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
