Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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