nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
