I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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