Just fell off a train. Bad.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
