she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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