remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
